Musing and Lyrics and Confidence

"She don't run from the sun no more
She boxed her shadow and she won
Said I can see you laugh
Through these bottle caps
And this wire around my neck ain't
There for fun"

If you think I'm not shy, my plan is working. But I'm aware enough of myself and my surroundings to know I'm not such a good actress. I'll be the first to admit I'm not an outgoing person.

Last week, I literally ran out of the Rathskeller so I wouldn't have to participate in Open Mic Night. I wasn't trying to be dramatic or anything. I just literally could not handle the idea of getting up in front of people to express myself.

If expressing myself remotely through words makes me a coward, then call me a coward.

"But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me"

I won't go into the reasons behind my lack of confidence. They're not important anymore. What's important now is forcing the insecurities out and replacing them with forced confidence until it's real. I'm a big believer in the fake-it-'til-you-make-it cliche.

"Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
'hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough'"

This weekend, I'll be playing softball for the first time in my life - in front of the entire school. Confidence would help here. But for me, confidence comes from knowing I can do something without embarassing myself.

I can manage class presentations just fine as long as I'm prepared. Even interviewing isn't so bad if I can run through the exchange in my head beforehand.

But softball? I'm not even sure I want to practice because I know I won't be automatically awesome. That's just not how athletics go for me. And as long as I can trick myself into believing I could be awesome when it comes time, I'll be fine until the first game.

"But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me"

College has brought me so far from where I was confidence-wise in high school. I'm much more comfortable now with meeting new people. I can talk to people without feeling intensely awkward.

But I have a long way to go.

"Some days I wade in the indigo
Singing that song on the radio
I blame these puddles on the rain
You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today
Gotta keep my cheating strategy
And baby I'm gonna have it made."

Maybe someday it will all just click. I'll wake up one morning, feeling like I can take on the world. Maybe someday I'll surprise myself and sing karaoke without three beers under my belt. But for now, those 'maybes' are just maybes.

"But someday we'll all be old
And I'll be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I can't see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where there's no more rain
And I can be me"

"Paper Bag" by Anna Nalick